Rebel Scum
by Russell Gorey
Summary: The Rebel Alliance thinks they've pulled off a major coup by recruiting a team of Imperial intelligence defectors. Too bad the men and women of Strike Force Isis are the most incompetent, backstabbing agents of the Empire. Forget the Force, what the Rebellion needs with them is pure, dumb luck.
1. Chapter 1

**Who was expecting this? Not me, TBH. I was working on a Star Wars parody with my Vassago character when I got sick of it and scrapped it. Fortunately, I binge-watched the new season of Archer afterwards, and it got this idea percolating in my head. Hope you all enjoy!**

 **Note: Star Wars is the intellectual property of Disney and Lucasfilms. Archer is the intellectual property of Adam Reed. They deserve the love!**

 **Well, maybe George gets a little less. Not for any particular reason.**

 **Cough*Jar-Jar*Cough**

Lord Vader was not pleased. Or at least, you had to guess that, given the mask over his face. The fact that he was force choking a subordinate was a good indicator of his current mood, though.

"You let the droids and their rebel compatriots escape with the plans. Explain yourself," he said.

"I… can't," the officer gasped, grabbing at his throat. "...Choking."

Under the mask, Vader rolled his eyes and released the man from his influence. The man fell to the ground, sucking in air. "Explain, Lt. Archer."

"Wait, just a sec," the officer replied. "I think I'm going to bruise."

"You think?" the man's partner asked, shaking her head.

"Lana, unlike some people on this ship, I don't exactly come out of strangulation with nothing more than arousal."

"Was that directed at me?" a woman shouted from the other room.

"Yes, Cheryl! Yes it was!" Archer shouted back, then grimaced and rubbed his throat again. "God, that was hell on the vocal chords."

"Drink some herbal tea," Communications Technician Tunt called back.

Archer shook his head. "Where am I going to get herbal tea in space?"

"What am I, Google Maps?"

"What is going on here?" a dignified, older female officer strolled into the interrogation room uninvited, cradling a tumbler of Corellian whiskey in her hand. "Sterling! What are you doing?"

"Massaging my larynx," Archer replied. "Seriously, Vader, try being polite for once. I'm surprised half the people on this space station can still talk."

Moff Tarkin hurried in. "Lord Vader, I tried to stop her, but she is quite insistent."

"I know," Archer muttered. "Try living with her."

"Zip it, young man," Admiral Malory Archer said, shaking a finger angrily at her son. She turned back to the man in black. "Lord Vader, what gave you authority to interrogate one of my subordinates without my presence?"

"Probably the scary mask and implication of violence," Archer wheezed.

"Quiet, Sterling. Let the grownups talk," his mother snapped angrily. She turned back to the Sith Lord. "Lord Vader, discipline of Lt. Archer is handled under my jurisdiction."

"I find, Admiral Archer, that your personal relationship to the lieutenant impairs your ability to mete out punishment," Vader replied, turning to face the woman.

"You'd think that, but she knows how to throw a punch."

Lt. Kane punched her associate in the shoulder. "Archer, for the love of Force, shut up."

"I'm no stranger when it comes to the rod," Malory said.

"Phrasing," Archer murmured.

Vader raised his gloved hand again, and Archer began to choke.

"Sploosh," Comm. Technician Tunt whispered, peering in from the hall.

"Cheryl, get back to your post!"

"You're not my supervisor!" Cheryl yelled back, eyes blazing. She paused. "Oh, wait, you are."

"Lord Vader, can you do me a favor?"

Vader complied, turning his attention to the glorified secretary. Her face turned red, and she grabbed her throat. After a few seconds, Vader released her, and she fell to the ground, letting out a satisfied moan.

"Jesus, Cheryl," Lana groaned. "Did you just orgasm?"

"Ohhhh," Cheryl moaned, toes curling. She squinted up at the black-clad Sith Lord and purred. "Thank you."

Vader turned to back to the Admiral. "I find your staff quite infuriating."

"So do I," the woman replied, lifting the glass to her mouth. "Whiskey helps."

Vader reached out slapped the tumbler from her hand. "Enough, Admiral. Your team's incompetence has cost the Empire valuable information. You are hereby stripped of your rank and command."

"Woo! No boss, no rules!" Cheryl pumped her fists from the ground.

"As of now, you and your subordinates are under arrest, facing court-martial proceedings once we return to Coruscant."

A host of stormtroopers entered the room, blasters drawn. "Take them to the cells. Round up the rest of Archer's staff."

With a swish of his cape, the Sith Lord left the room. One of the stormtroopers stepped forwards. "Come with us, and don't try to resist."

"Okay, but do any of you have a lozenge?" Archer asked, "Seriously, my throat is killing me." The reply was a stun pulse to the chest.

"Oooh!" Cheryl shot up, clapping her hands. "Do me, do me!"

"What?" the stormtrooper asked, giving the Comm. Techie a questioning look under his helmet.

"DO ME!" Cheryl screamed, throwing herself at the trooper. Stunners took her down, leaving her a quivering, moaning pile next to Archer.

"Force, Cheryl," Lana muttered.

"Oddly enough, I've grown used to this sort of behavior," Malory said. She stiffened. "Oh god, I've gone native."

* * *

"What?" Archer asked. "This is totally not my fault."

"Yes it is," his cellmates replied in tandem.

"How?"

"You let those droids escape Mos Eisley," Lana replied.

"The old man said those weren't the droids we were looking for," Archer said, shrugging.

"And you believed him?" Quartermaster Cyril Figgis asked.

"I honestly didn't care at that point," Archer replied. "I just wanted to get off that hot planet. My armor was like the Dagobah swamps."

"So you jeopardized the mission and got us locked up for incompetence," Malory said, crossing her arms and leaning back against the cold metal wall. "If we don't get choked to death by Vader, we'll probably face a firing squad."

"Fingers crossed for Vader," Cheryl whispered.

"Well, when you say it like that, it does seem like my fault." Archer ducked as a shoe flew past his head. "Hey! Why's everyone worrying? We've been court-martialed before. Remember Lothal?"

"How can I forget," Malory moaned, recalling the incident. "We let those rebel agents escape capture because you were seduced by the pilot."

"Hey! I let her seduce me," Archer defended himself. "Plus, you ever been with a Twi'lek? I'd let her dock with me anytime."

"So would I," HR Officer Pam Poovey, fanning herself.

"Of course you would," Lana said.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Pam, you've slept with almost everyone in this room except me and the Admiral."

The cell door flew open just then, and two more cellmates were tossed in. "Dukes," the blond one said as the door slid shut. "You think they've got a personal grudge against us."

"Well, not against you," the bearded one said, rubbing his head.

"Krieger, what did you do?" Malory asked.

"It wasn't something I did," the scientist began.

* * *

"Oh, Force! It's inside my suit!"

"Somebody help Brett!"

"Get his helmet off!"

"It's biting my balls!"

"Somebody kill it!"

Krieger pulled out a blaster and cocked it. "Never! I need to study its effects on the human body!"

"It's crawling up my urethra!"

"Phase Two!" the scientist gasped, right before he took a stun blast to the chest.

* * *

"Poor Wormly," Krieger said, looking down at the floor.

"Well, at least Brett didn't get shot for once," Archer said, laughing to himself.

"Well, this is great," Malory muttered, crossing her arms. "Stuck in a cell with the lunatic fringe. I think I might die of humiliation before we even get court-martialed."

"Wait!" Lana shouted, holding a finger up for silence. Outside the cell, blaster fire could be heard. "What is that?"

"Maybe Wormly got out of Brett's urethra and is on a kinky sex rampage," Archer said.

"I like the sound of that," Cheryl said.

"Me, too," Krieger agreed.

"Shh! Someone's coming!" Lana said.

The door slid open, and a stormtrooper clattered in. "My name is Luke Skywalker, I'm here to-" he was cut off as he went down from a flying tackle by Archer. "Wait, I'm not a stormtrooper!"

Malory watched impassively as her son beat the intruder. "Imbeciles," she muttered.


	2. Chapter 2

"What's taking Luke so long?" Han shouted, turning away from the firefight he and Chewie were engaged in with the stormtroopers. He never should have signed up for this. Come to think of it, he hadn't signed up for this. He'd been paid to transport Luke, the droids and the old Jedi to Alderaan. Now he was fighting for his life on an Imperial superweapon while trying to rescue the princess of a dead planet.

"Fuck my life," he muttered. "Chewie, cover me!"

Dodging poorly aimed laserfire, he dove across the corridor and into the cell Luke had gone into. "What's the holdup, we've got to go!"

He froze as a pistol was pointed at his face. A tall, blue-eyed Imperial officer grabbed him and threw him against the wall. "Who are you and why are you trying to rescue us?" the man shouted.

Han glanced over the officer. Luke was lying against the wall with a split lip and a cracked helmet. Around him, seven other men and women in Imperial dress were regarding him with suspicion.

"Han?" a heavyset blonde woman asked, stepping forward.

"What, Pam? You know him?"

"Pam?" Han replied, mouth open. "Slammin' Pam?"

"You remembered!" Pam shouted, giving a little hop of joy. "I haven't seen you since that night on Ryloth!"

"Yeah," Han replied, grimacing. "Not a night I'm too pleased to recall."

"Pam, who is this?" the officer with the gun asked, turning to face the woman.

"This is Han Solo. He's a smuggler I banged the hell out of two years back," she paused, smiling wistfully, "It was also the night I beat Jabba's bitch-ass Gamorrean prizefighter in bareknuckle boxing."

"To be honest, I only slept with you because I was really drunk."

Pam winked. "I know, I was the one comping your drinks all night."

"So, great reunion," Lana interrupted. "But what's Pam's boyfriend doing on the Death Star?"

"Please don't call me that," Han said.

"Answer the question."

"I'm here with that kid and an old Jedi," Han replied, pointing to Luke. "How are you, buddy?"

"I've been better," Luke wheezed, wiping blood from his chin.

"We're looking for a princess. Don't suppose you've seen one around?"

"A princess?" an older woman with an Admiral's badge on her jacket stood up and narrowed her eyes. "Let me guess, you're here with the rebellion?"

Han shrugged. "Not by choice, to be honest."

"Leia," the officer said. "You're talking about her, right? What do you want with her? She's kind of a bitch."

"You're only saying that because she kneed you in the crotch during her arrest," a black woman replied.

"She shot you unconscious, are you going to mention that?"

"Who the hell are you people?" Han finally shouted.

The handsome officer smiled. "Oh, right, I was too busy threatening to kill you I forgot to introduce myself. The name is Sterling Archer. I suppose you've heard of me?"

Han cocked and eyebrow. "No."

The man gave a huff of annoyance. "Sterling Archer? The Empire's _greatest_ spy?"

"No one calls you that but you, Archer," the black woman said.

"Shut up, Lana."

"Lana Kane," Han said, recalling something. "Now that's a name I've heard."

"What?" Archer looked outraged. "You know her name but not mine?"

"Aww, is baby Archer jealous?" a blonde mustache man in a black engineer's suit asked.

Without turning, Archer shot the man in the foot. "I'm sorry, Ray, I don't recall asking for your input," he said caustically, having to shout over the technician's scream.

An explosion sounded from outside. Han shook his head. "Listen, you all seem really… nice, but I'm kinda in the middle of a rescue mission here, and I'm not here to rescue a bunch of scruffy Imperials. I'm looking for a princess."

"Yes, I know," the Admiral said, stepping forward. "Admiral Malory Archer. I might be able to tell you where she is."

Han sighed. "I suppose there's a catch."

Malory smiled. "Yes. We'll tell you where she is, and you'll let us escape with you."

Han laughed. "Why would you want us to escape?"

"Uh, have you not noticed that we're locked in a cell too?" Archer asked, gesturing around."

"We're double agents," Malory said quickly. Lana gave her a look of disbelief, but she went on. "We have information vital to the rebellion. Also, we have money. Lots of it. You help us get off this station, we'll make it worth your while."

Han gave another sigh, peering out the cell and ducking back as a laser struck the door frame. "I guess I have no choice. Fine, you can come. Now where's the princess?"

Malory smiled and stepped past the smuggler, pointing at the cell across the corridor. "She's in there."

Han looked as though he were debating whether to shoot the Admiral or kill her with his bare hands. "I didn't need your help to find her."

"Nope," Malory said, popping her mouth. "But you've made a deal."

"What makes you think I'll help you now?"

Lana stepped forwards and pushed Han back against the wall and wrapping hand around his neck. "What makes you think we won't just shoot you and Shorty and earn promotions for capturing a group of rebels?"

Han nodded, gasping. "Good point."

Lana smiled and removed her hand. "Good."

Han smiled back. "Ok, now that we're working together, we need your help. Archer, how good are you with a blaster?"

"Very," Archer replied, raising his gun to his chest and grinning.

"Good, Chewie!" Chewbacca stuck his head through the cell and growled inquiringly. "This is Archer, he's going to back you up while we get the princess out of the cell."

Archer's mouth dropped open. "Is that a Wookie?"

"Yeah, he's my co-pilot."

"I've never seen a Wookie before!" Archer said, almost childish in his excitement.

Malory shook her head. "Oh, Force. This is the pet Ewok all over again."

"Look at his furry face!"

Han glanced over at the Admiral. "Is something wrong with him?"

"Want me to give you a list?" Lana replied. She kicked Archer in the shin. "Focus! Help the Wookie fight off the troopers."

The spy nodded, stretching. "Ok," he said, pulling back the slide of the blaster and taking a few deep, fast breaths. " **Escape rampage!** " he shouted, diving out into the corridor, gun blazing.

Han whistled. "Wow, he's good."

"Hmph," Malory scowled. "When he wants to be."

* * *

"Wow," Leia said, glancing around the devastation in the prison control room. "You killed all of them."

"Well, it was either that or escape down that nasty garbage suit," Archer said, hefting his rifle up to his shoulder. The Wookie next to him growled warningly. "Oh, and Chewie helped," Archer added, uncharacteristically modest. "High five, tall buddy."

Chewbacca gave a gutteral roar that, to those fluent in Wookie, roughly translated as " _May you tear your enemies limb from limb and gut them like fish_ " before returning the gesture.

"Yeah, right? I have no idea what you're saying but I like your positive attitude." Archer turned to Lana. "You could learn something from him, Lana."

"Sterling, can we focus on escaping?" Malory asked impatiently. "It's only a matter of time before reinforcements arrive."

"She's right," Han said. "We've gotta get out of here."'

"What can we do to help?" Lana asked.

"We need to shut down the shield generator so we can get the Falcon out of the hangar."

"The shield generator room is five-hundred levels down," Cyril said.

"We've got one of our guys down there, but he may be in a bit of trouble," Han said. He pointed at Archer and Lana. "You two go down there and help him." He glanced over at the rest of the Imperial defectors. "The rest of you, we need to get to the hangar bay discretely, but we need to cause some chaos to distract the soldiers. Can you do it?"

Mallory barked a harsh laugh. "Hah! Give these idiots a hammer and nail and rest assured someone will get impaled."

Luke smirked. "Let's hope its not one of the good guys, then."

"No promises!" Cheryl said in a singsong voice.

" _I like her, she has the urge to kill that makes a good berserker,_ " Chewie growled.

"Thank you, it's this great lemongrass conditioner I've been using," Cheryl replied, flattered.


	3. Chapter 3

The stormtrooper turned at the whooshing of the door behind him. "Hey, what are you-" he was cut off mid-sentence by a blaster bolt through his visor. His partner swore and got one wild shot off before his neck was twisted a full 180-degrees by the Wookie.

"You are just savage," Archer said, examining the corpses.

 _"That's offensive."_

"Sorry, I meant 'savage' as in totally badass."

 _"Ah, beg pardon."_

"Doesn't this bother you?" Lana asked, nudging one of the dead troopers with the toe of her boot.

Archer laughed and shook his head as they continued walking. "Should it?"

"These guys were on our side six hours ago."

Archer shrugged. "And now they're not. You know how betrayal works, right?"

"You are such a fucking basket case."

 _"Ring ring! Hello? Oh, hello Mr. Pot. Yes, I'll tell Miss Kettle. Have a good day."_ Sterling mimed hanging up a telephone. "Miss Kettle, Mr. Pot called. He says you're black; figuratively, of course, that was not a race thing."

 _"You are really firing on all cylinders today,"_ Chewbacca said as he gave one of the stormtroopers a proper killshot.

Lana stopped suddenly and examined their surroundings. "Wait, this is the barracks level. What the hell are we doing here?"

Archer walked over to a door and rang the buzzer. "I'm taking a detour."

"Welcome, Master Sterling," a voice said as the door slid open. "And hello, Ms. Kane." An ancient protocol droid hobbled aside for the two officers. "Did Lord Vader pardon your indiscretions?"

"Shut up and start packing," Archer ordered as he barged past the droid and pulled out a duffel bag out of his closet. "Get the weapon case from under the bed and the case of credits from the air vent. Lana, grab as many turtlenecks as your monster hands can carry and bring them over here.."

"Are you fucking serious?" Lana asked. "We're trying to get off of this Force-damned battlestation and you're stopping off to pack a suitcase?"

"...Yeah?"

"I apologize, sir," Wodehouse said as he appeared with a packed duffel. "Your formalwear is being dry-cleaned."

"Dammit, Wodehouse, now I'm going to have to rub sand in your circuits."

"Archer."

"Again, Master Sterling?'

 _"Archer."_

"YES, AGAIN!"

"ARCHER!" Lana fired a shot into the ceiling. "We do not have time for this bullshit!"

Archer cocked an eyebrow. "Well, we'll have to stop by your room as it is. You can get your panties, your shampoos, your vibrators, and oh, I don't know, our freaking DAUGHTER!"

"Ohhhh shit!" Lana nearly dropped her rifle. " _AbbieJean!_ "

"Did you honestly forget?" Archer asked, giggling.

"No, you ass!" Lana replied. "Shut up, ass."

The front door was blown off its hinges. "Found you!" Archer shot the officer without bothering to look. "Who's immature now?" His question was answered a second later as Lana kicked him in the groin.

* * *

The imperial officer entered the strategic command chamber, faltering in the doorway when he caught sight of the black-clad monster seated at the end of the conference table, its gloved hands clasped together patiently. Before the fresh academy graduate could run or duck under the other end of the table or shoot himself, the monster looked up from its tablet screen. "Ah, Captain…"

"W-w-Winch, Lord Vader."

"Captain Winch, what is the status report on the prison break?"

"There were...a significant number of casualties, Lord Vader."

Vader unclasped his hands and drummed his fingers on the onyx tabletop. "Most disappointing. Where is Commander Loomis?"

"Commander Loomis is dead. He appears to have been dismembered and disemboweled by someone with inhuman strength and, judging by the shed hairs all over his body, a luxurious blonde-brown coat."

"What of the prisoners. Who escaped...Captain Winch?" The young officer had frozen up in fear. Going stiff as a board, he toppled forward, slamming his head on the corner of the table and collapsing on the floor, blood pooling from the fatal wound. Vader stood up and pressed the intercom button. "I want Captain Winch's superior officer up here now. And a cleaning crew." No response. "Hello?" he dialed the operator board. Not even a dial tone.

Vader's secretary entered with a tray of soup (straw included, of course). "Private Vossh, why is the station's communications network down?" Vossh dropped the tray and keeled over in a dead faint, landing beside Winch's cooling corpse.

Vader was about to Force choke the latest disappointment when he felt it. He sat up straight, his eyes widening under the mask. _Obi-wan._ _And...what?_

* * *

Halfway through disabling the shields Obi-wan paused. Unbeknownst to him, he had felt the same disturbance as his former apprentice. He closed his eyes and searched, searching for an image. He opened his eyes and smiled. _"Curiouser and Curiouser."_

* * *

"Hey, shouldn't you be in prison?"

"Zip it, Moonman," Malory snapped as the comm technician as she stormed the room, Solo and the rebels close at her heels. "Oh, wait, that's no moon, it's just Dildo Baggins the tech dweeb."

"Real original, Admiral Archer," Lt. Bilbo asked in a monotone, hands raised under the watch eye of eleven blaster barrels. The other technicians followed suit. "Could you not kill me, if possible? I have to host this week's strategy game club in an hour."

"What's this week's game?" Cyril asked.

 _"Settlers of Alderaan."_

"Good choice—kinda mean-spirited, though."

Malory let out a groan. "Figgis, _zippit_! Bilbo, I need you to disable the communication network."

"What, the entire network?" Bilbo laughed. That's impossible."

"You have ten seconds." Malory replied as behind her Ray and Luke charged their weapons.

Bilbo turned and pushed three buttons on his control panel. "There, it's finished."

"Good. Better be sure of it. Ray!"

Lt. Gillette shot up the the control panel, causing it to explode in a shower of sparks and scrap metal. The wall-mounted display panels flickered and then went dark.

"Thank you, Bilbo," Malory called back as the rebels departed, "For your minimal contribution,"

"That was unnecessary and vindictive!" Bilbo shouted after them. He looked back at the destroyed electronics. "Vader's gonna kill me, isn't he?" One of the other technicians nodded. "Oh, boy." Bilbo drew his own blaster pistol and shot him dead. "Blake, go tell Tarkin the system's down; tell him that I've executed the one responsible."

The other technician rolled his eyes. "This is the third time we've used that excuse. He's going to get suspicious."

"I can always make it a team mutiny," Bilbo said, eyes darkening as he recharged the rifle..

"I thought you geeks were supposed to be _passive_ -aggressive."

"Ah, a common misconception."

* * *

They raced as a snail's pace through the barracks, shooting or dodging any patrol or off-duty Imperial unlucky enough to get in their way. "Wodehouse! Will you get the lead out of your circuits?" Archer shouted.

"Maybe if you bothered to upgrade him every once in a while, we we'd be moving quicker?" Lana said. Her gaze stopped on an abandoned cart of insulated electrical wires. "Wait, I've got an idea."

* * *

"Couldn't we have just ditched him?" Archer asked.

"If we did that who's going to be your new little bitch?"

 _"This is humiliating,"_ Chewbacca said, adjusting his knew knapsack. _"I was once a general."_

"I, for one, thank you for your kindness," Wodehouse replied. "Trooper to our six."

Chewbacca whirled around and blew the soldier's gun arm off with a bolt from is bowcaster. _"Much obliged. You are more useful than I thought."_

"That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

"Stop complaining," Archer shouted as he cold-cocked a technician with the butt of his rifle. "When have I ever treated you wrong?" _Because how hard is it to cook a Force-damned egg?_ "Wodehouse?"

The droid returned to the present. "I can't think of an example, sir."

They passed Lana's cabin. Archer glanced back and started to slow. "Wait, where are we going?"

"She's in daycare."

"Why does she have to be in daycare?"

"It's either that, or I leave her alone in a poorly-ventilated cabin with all sharp angles and loaded weapons."

"...And that's wrong?"

"Your mother is fucking mental."

* * *

They shot their way through the crew childcare reception and into the playroom. "She's not here!" Lana said in mounting anxiety.

"The art room!" They went back into the hall but ducked back out as a hail of blaster fire poured down the corridor. Archer glanced through the opposite door and spotted his daughter calmly fingerpainting. She looked over and waved.

"How do we get to her?" Lana asked.

Archer rolled his eyes. "I hate to be the big damn hero, here," he muttered as he dashed out into the hall before Lana or Chewie could stop him. "Damn, damn, damn!" he said before ducking and dodging his way through blaster beams, Frogger-style, across the corridor to the other room. He grabbed AbbieJean from her playpen, disabling an attacking nanny droid with a kick that sent it on its side rolling into a pile of stuffed banthas. "Got her." A shot from behind blew the pistol from his hands. Archer slowly turned. "Oh, shit."

"I thought you'd come here," the Imperial officer said as he emerged fully from his hiding place behind a Hoth Station playset. "Well, actually, I half-thought you'd completely forget about your daughter."

"As if, Barry."

The officer chuckled. "I wouldn't put it past you." He recharged his pistol. "Well, I guess this is it. Hopefully Vader has a promotion ready for whoever brings him your head."

"You're going to shoot me with a baby in my arms?" Archer asked.

"Let me think," Barry thought. "Yep."

"Dick move, Barry."

Barry shrugged and raised his pistol. "What can I say, we're the bad guys."

"No!" Archer raised his hand, shielding himself and AbbieJean. Barry fired. Neither had expected what happened next.

The blaster shot froze in mid air, inches from the palm of Archer's outstretched hand. Barry lowered his pistol, wide-eyed. "Well that's not supposed to happen," he muttered. Then a bowcaster shot from the doorway knocked the pistol from his hand, along with all five of his fingers. Barry dropped to the ground screaming and grasping his mutilated hand as Archer slowly inched out from the path of the laser. Not a second too soon, as the shot continued on its path, striking a toy box and throwing a pile of flaming banthas into the air.

Archer looked towards the door. "Thanks, Chewie!"

 _"You owe me!"_

Archer rolled his eyes. "You saw that, right?" he whispered, holding his daughter up to eye level. AbbieJean nodded her head and giggled. "I mean, what was that all about? Most laser beams don't just take a breather in mid-flight."

 _A thought flashed through his brain: fragments of a memory long stuffed away in the attic of his mind. Images of a temple, men and women in robes, a bearded man kneeling down and putting his hands on young Archer's shoulders._

 _"Hello...son."_

Can you speed the hell up!" Lana grabbed her daughter from Archer's hands and gestured to the hallway of smoking stormtroopers. "We're kinda in the middle of something important!"

"So am I, Lana! You ass!"

"What was so important you went blank-faced and nearly dropped our child?"

Archer began to reply but stopped. "I...I don't remember."

* * *

 **Been a while, hasn't it? Had this on the backburner for a while, tbh. I guess some of you guys wanted me to continue, and I have a psychological urge to please, so here were are.**


End file.
